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7/20/12

The Wee Small Hours Of...


It's the wee hours of Sunday, I've been awake for over 24 hours now. It feels like rush hour. I should clarify that. The noises banging around in my mind remind me of early morning traffic. *Beep, beep, Honk, honk - get out of my way - don't shake your fist at me - Why I oughta* I guess you get the picture.

Wish I could put a finger on what it is that's keeping my thoughts flashing their neon lights behind my eyeballs. I suppose it could be *death* this has been a topic of conversation in my home for some time.

My precious significant other lost his father this past September. He and his family are still mourning that loss and why wouldn't they? Seriously, how does one get over, then move on when death is involved? Each are grieving in their own way and in their own time. While 'TIME' eases the pain, it does nothing to fill in those now forced upon voids.

Speaking of which:

I lost my closest friend, a few months ago. Now my grief likes to sucker punch me at the oddest moments. I see her two oldest daughters on Facebook, even her youngest...They are a part of her, so in someway, I'm still "seeing her" through her children. It doesn't do away with that empty place in my heart that was reserved for her.

Zzzzz....(nods off for a second)Oops sorry.

I've been thinking about my own father, he's seventy-three now. His physical constitution isn't strong, so I don't expect he'll be around but for a few more years. Too, my sister has been ill for over eight years now. Each moment we've faced a situation with her, I thought it was her last. Thank goodness it wasn't.

She reminds me of a concentration camp survivor. Becky is nothing but skin and bone. Her body has turned on itself. What keeps her going is her strong willed determination to beat what's damaged her. She's only 41 for goodness sake.

Maybe it is the thought of death which keeps me awake this night, then again:

This past January I made the biggest move in my 46 years of living on this earth. I left my family and son to start a new life for myself. It's been the happiest and saddest adjustment I've had to make. I thought I'd never find love again, but I did. Now I'm living in Michigan, while my family lives in Oklahoma.

It's the first time in 21 years, I've thought of myself. My son was my life and now that he's 21, the umbilical cord has been cut. Oh it's hurt because, what if he still needs me? What if something happens and I'm not there? What if, what if, what if...

Argghhhh ... Brain shut up will you! He's 21 years old, he's been raised on a stable foundation, maybe a little twisted, but it's stable...

*Sniff* Ahhhh

The coffee pot is through brewing my coffee. I love it when the aroma of fresh coffee penetrates the nose, then sneaks it way down the backside of the throat. It's one of the closest experiences to ecstasy I can think of.

Thank goodness I'm thinking this and not saying it out loud, Dave would disagree with me and I can't write what he'd say (smile here)...it'd make me blush. I'm not a prude mind ya, but somethings are best kept between couples.

There goes my brain again, at least it's not one sided and boring. Can too many thoughts cause a traffic brain jam that eventually causes the cranium to implode/explode? If so, I'm sure mines about to go!

Well, this is getting rather long, I need to see if my coupons are on the other side of the door, nestled somewhere between sports and comics. Someone actually had the nerve to steal my Sunday paper once. I ranted and raved, stomped and pouted. Coupons are not to be trifled with, especially "MY" coupons.

Right then, the morning light has infiltrated the apartment. The blinds can no longer hold it at bay, so I'll bid you all good day...

Yes, I can see clearly now. My brain is in need of help, not my eyes.

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