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7/20/12

Childbirth (Non-Fiction, Humor)


From the day a woman realizes she is pregnant, giving birth becomes a focal point of conversation in her life. I remember seeking out everyone I knew and insisting they tell what they could about childbirth, as this way I'd be prepared for the "BIRTH" of our first and only child.

You can see, by reading, I survived and can honestly say, no matter what kind of information you acquire, nothing "PREPARES" you for birth. When the time comes, hell breaks loose and a woman becomes this crazed maniac shouting, "GIVE ME DRUGS, NOW!!!"

The time arrived for me to bring a baby into the world, but the nine months of planning flew out the window. A van load of us set off for the birthing center, located in Dallas County, some several miles away from where we lived in Arlington,Texas.

David, my husband, kept lovingly encouraging me to do my breathing. I could hear him between each gut wrenching pain say, "one, two, three, now blow it out."

"Arghhhh" I screamed, did you need to hit that pothole."

Again his voice could be heard, "breathe in, breathe out, now blow."

"David, I swear I am going to have this baby in this car if you hit one more pothole."

I tried to blow as I was being coached. Hee hee hoo, hee hee hoo. I was doing my breathing, but it wasn't working.

"DAVID, you did this to me you rotten man. From now on, you sleep in the car!"

What was I thinking when I said I wanted to experience "Natural Childbirth"?
I was going to endure hours of labor, without medication to ease the pain. Hey I was one of 'THOSE' moms who wanted everything to be as calming an experience as it could be, without the assistance of drugs.

Excuse me, "hahahahahahahaha" whew, that's better.

Natural childbirth totally tested my strength and sanity. It also put in jeopardy the lives of all those I could reach, during contractions. Looking back, I can honestly say...

"I must have been crazy."

Each contraction contorted my face to various stages of ugliness. I say this because my husband quickly moved away, each time I reached out to grab a hold of anything on his body. Somebody was going to feel my pain, it might as well be him, but he moved away and pushed my poor mom within reach of my hands.

Sure, I will tell you now, some twenty years later, giving birth is a beautiful experience. Bringing life into the world is always a beautiful thing, but there is "NO BEAUTY" in "PAIN".

What was I thinking when I chose to do this without drugs? Normally, if I get an inkling of a headache, I medicate hours in advance. Pain and I are not on good terms. Sadly, to late, I was well into labor and beyond the stage of "I'm kidding".

I thought I'd be like those women who, after a few hours of giving birth, are back on their feet and stacking hay in the haying fields...wait a minute...that is what my "FATHER" said it was like in the "OLD DAYS."

If "DEAR OLD DAD" had been there, during my twenty-eight hours of labor, I can assure you I would have attempted to pull his lower lip over his head, just as Bill Cosby speaks about in his "Parenthood" routine.

What is it about giving birth and spectators? People watch in fascination? Your most private of body parts is on display and struggling to push out a round head, the size of a bus, okay maybe not a bus, but too big for the area it's coming out of.

For me, it was thirteen people, four of which were mid-wives, the rest family members and friends staring at this creature's head as it's being born. My mother-in-law and sisters-in-law sat at the end of the bed breathing with me.

Barbara, my main mid-wife says, "Melissa, the baby has so much hair. Do you want to see?"

"Noooo, just get it out," I say.

In the beginning, I was so excited at the prospect of seeing my child being born. Now however, I certainly didn't want to watch while I was living the moment! I thought of MacBeth's wife speaking out in her madness, and in my mind I chanted those lines.

"Out, out,damned spot."

Only it wasn't a spot, it was a miniature size bowling ball and I had stretched as far as I was going to!

All of a sudden I was mooing and seeing stars, then I hear this melodious crying...a new life took its first breath. Tears came pouring out; I was blubbering some sort of stuff and crying.

I heard, "Five pounds, fourteen ounces. It's a baby boy. Welcome into the world Joshua!"

He was so small for all the pain he'd caused. Seems he wanted to arrive with his elbow in my spine the whole way out. My mid-wife suggested checking to make sure I wasn't carrying a twin , but I assured her, in a voice which sounded not quite like my own, there wasn't a twin!

Ah, twenty-eight hours of intense labor, puking, complaining, threats, and mooing like a cow and for what? The joy of childbirth. It was great, I tell you! I cried with the purest and deepest of emotions. Here I was a first time mom, the joy was so profound and fierce.

Oh, yes there is pain, it's a given, especially when it comes to the "NATURAL", but once you look at that sweet and tiny little face, you instantly forget it.

I held my son to my chest, then for no apparent reason, I looked at his father and said in this sweet, calm, voice...

"Let's have another."

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